happiness

At first, when I asked her what she wants to have -- a brother or a sister -- she kept insisting a brother. And then after some weeks of thinking made her change her mind. Telling me one day, that she would be happy to have a baby sister. So that one day when she'll be able to walk and talk, they'll be able to share same toys, play same games and she can also brush, comb or tie her hair. And adding that they can cook together because they are both girls. I just told her, we'll see.

And then the day came when for my second ultra sound last 26 December. The day I found out that I'll be having a boy. The first thought that came into my mind aside from other hesitations that I got, is what will be her reaction. Would she be happy? Or sad?

I can't bear it when the news will make her sad. Specially during these times when her father is not around with us for he's working in 4 hours by TGV train and couldn't go home every day. I need someone to share my happiness even if I am still in the state of mixed emotion. And I expect that it would be her. I know that I expect too much from a 5 years old. But she's the only one I got at this time. Yes, yes, I have my mother with me but it is not the same.

I want her to feel the happiness that I'm feeling even if I still have some hesitations like will I be able to handle a boy or will my baby boy be more difficult or whatever. But I need to be assured at this time, emotionally and physically. And she's the only one around to comfort me because my husband can't. Although I knew that he shares my happiness too.

As I expected as soon as I'm finished with my ultrasound, my mom called my dad who was taking care of my daughter at that time. And he told my daughter instantly. But he never told me what her reactions were. Which made my situations very difficult as I was coming home. And then as I put the key into the key hole and opened the door. Yes, it was a surprise for me for I saw the most refreshing smile that was in front of me. And she said, "it's a boy! I knew it!" And she was dancing and turning while saying, "I have a brother! I have a brother!" And it relieves me of all my hesitations. And I now knew, that even though she explained to me that she wanted to have a sister, she will be satisfied with whatever. She's a kid and she's my kid! And I'm proud of her. She's the happiness that I had, have and will always have.

Positive

Last thursday, the 28th day of September 2006, as soon as I finished reading a story to my daughter she said her prayers. And after her prayer she started saying goodnight to everybody. She said, "Good night baby Jesus." "Good night mama Mary." "Good night papa Joseph." "Good night God the Father." "Good night angels." And then she sort of hug me in my waist and said, "Good night baby. Pleasant dreams."

I knew at once that I am pregnant with my second angel.

After years of waiting. After years of spending money just to buy a pregnancy test kit to verify if there's a possibility after missing my periods for a month or two. After those disappointed faces of my husband and daughter. After my silent weeping every time it turns out negative. After all these... I am happy to say that I am at last... POSITIVE.

I didn't realize

As you all know my daughter is an only child. As she was growing up my parents and some of our friends would always say that I needed to have another child for her sake. And that everybody think that she's alone and that she needs someone to play with. And I will always tell them, what's the difference? She a happy child. In fact being an only child makes her more sociable and she can easily adjust to her environment or to other people including children. She's not selfish as oppossed to the saying that "an only child is a selfish child." And she's not different from other kids who have brothers or sisters. But of course again, I will tell them that "we're trying to have another but just simply can't," just to end the conversation. But it is actually true that we are really trying and hoping for about 3 years now.

Last week, before the end of our vacation, my daughter was playing with two brothers. One is younger than her by 4 months and the other was by 1 year. Well, they were doing well when the youngest kid, wanted to be the shop lady. And my daughter tried to explain that she's a girl so she'll be the shop lady. But the younger one insisted on himself being the shop lady. And so it broke down into a little quarrel, with little screaming, with lot of tears and being upset.

So as she was crying, I told her that I can play with her if she wants to. And she'll be the shop lady and I will be the shopper. But what I heard from her froze my heart. She was sobbing at this time. But it was clear to me what she said. She said, "Mama, no it's not like that! I want someone to play with. I am all alone in our house. I don't have a brother or a sister. I don't have anyone to play with. You're different you're the mama!"

As she was calming herself up. I was tongue-tied. I know that I can't tell her anything that will assure her that she's not alone. Tears just fall from my eyes and I can't prevent them from falling. They just kept on going. And I did it in front of the two other kids and in front of my daughter.

I didn't realize that my daughter though she's protected and loved by all of us still feels alone. That although I am always there for her she still needs someone else to share her world with. And it stab me really hard. And if I could turn back the three years wherein I can give her a brother or a sister, I would do so with much eagerness. If only I realize all of these that early.

True colors

When we go to a party even if it’s mostly adult, we always bring our daughter with us. Not because we don’t want to leave her home with someone but because some family friends (mostly of my mom) would like to see her. So if that is the case, we always let her have a long nap in the afternoon, about 3-4 hours so that she’ll have the energy to stay up late. And of course, like any parents, I would expect that she’ll be well mannered and no tantrums or caprices. For if any of these case happens, I will surely be angry.

We went to a party exactly a year ago with my daughter and at that time she wasn’t herself maybe because she didn’t have a full nap in the afternoon. So when we went to the birthday celebration, she was in fact very courteous. She greeted people she knew and say the usual greetings like “good evening.” Give them a “bisous” or kiss accompanying her greetings. And when somebody asks her how she is, she politely reply, “I’m fine, thank you” and return the gestures too. But as I’ve said she is not her usual self. She’s not talkative, she don’t run to and fro nor tell jokes or play with other adults there.

And there is one old lady who is sitting beside her and who, in my opinion is really trying to push her to her limit. She’s trying to joke with her, even though my daughter politely says that she doesn’t want to. But some, I said some, old lady are like that. My daughter is never impolite to anyone older or younger. So I just let my daughter handle the situation until she looked at me to find comfort and frowning. I asked her, of course, why. And she told me the story that “cette femme m’embête.” This means that “this woman is teasing me or (disturbing me).” And I asked if she asked the woman not to tease her. And she said yes.

While we are having these conversations, of course, the lady was listening. And I said these words to my daughter, “Honey, if you’re not up to it, like if you don’t want to talk or to be nice or if you don’t want to play or tell jokes then don’t. It’s not your obligation to please people. Ok.” And she said, “thank you, mama.” Maybe because she taught that I will get angry at her for not being polite enough to that particular lady.

Of course, what I’ve said put a scrutinizing eye on that lady. And as I expected, she asked me why did I advice my kid such a thing. And I politely told her that, “You know Ma’m all kids has moods and they should also be respected like we want to be respected when we’re not in the mood. And I don’t want to teach my daughter to please people even if she doesn’t want too. I’m just teaching my daughter to be herself and not to be pretentious.”

I’m sure that you have an idea to what happened next. She got up to find another person to talked to. Fine with me. At least, she left us in peace.

how she makes us proud

Whenever my daughter draws something or someone, in those little ways she makes us proud. She's a different person. Bits and pieces from us but never us. And we like her to develop her own identity. And not just be an extension of ourselves. That's why we encourage her as early as we can remember to explore what she likes and she did like drawings and paintings which both my husband and I can never do. Yes, I can draw but never like her. And here are some samples that I would like to share to you. Happy viewing.

writing again

I can not tell you that my child is perfect because she is not your child. Every son or daughter is perfect in the eyes of their parents. But all I can tell you is that my daughte is a perfect gift from God and that she is the reason why I live in an almost perfect world. If there is one thing in my life that I don't regret, it is having her unexpectedly. She may be unexpected but never unwanted.