happiness

At first, when I asked her what she wants to have -- a brother or a sister -- she kept insisting a brother. And then after some weeks of thinking made her change her mind. Telling me one day, that she would be happy to have a baby sister. So that one day when she'll be able to walk and talk, they'll be able to share same toys, play same games and she can also brush, comb or tie her hair. And adding that they can cook together because they are both girls. I just told her, we'll see.

And then the day came when for my second ultra sound last 26 December. The day I found out that I'll be having a boy. The first thought that came into my mind aside from other hesitations that I got, is what will be her reaction. Would she be happy? Or sad?

I can't bear it when the news will make her sad. Specially during these times when her father is not around with us for he's working in 4 hours by TGV train and couldn't go home every day. I need someone to share my happiness even if I am still in the state of mixed emotion. And I expect that it would be her. I know that I expect too much from a 5 years old. But she's the only one I got at this time. Yes, yes, I have my mother with me but it is not the same.

I want her to feel the happiness that I'm feeling even if I still have some hesitations like will I be able to handle a boy or will my baby boy be more difficult or whatever. But I need to be assured at this time, emotionally and physically. And she's the only one around to comfort me because my husband can't. Although I knew that he shares my happiness too.

As I expected as soon as I'm finished with my ultrasound, my mom called my dad who was taking care of my daughter at that time. And he told my daughter instantly. But he never told me what her reactions were. Which made my situations very difficult as I was coming home. And then as I put the key into the key hole and opened the door. Yes, it was a surprise for me for I saw the most refreshing smile that was in front of me. And she said, "it's a boy! I knew it!" And she was dancing and turning while saying, "I have a brother! I have a brother!" And it relieves me of all my hesitations. And I now knew, that even though she explained to me that she wanted to have a sister, she will be satisfied with whatever. She's a kid and she's my kid! And I'm proud of her. She's the happiness that I had, have and will always have.