I don't know what changed in me. As a mother I mean. Maybe it's because of having three kids. Or the pressure of having them while working. I know that I love my kids equally, but I felt guilty for my eldest daughter because I know that this time, the love I gave her is not clearly shown in my ways.
I put her through difficult times because I can't handle my stress? Is that it? No, it's more than that. I felt that in my heart something changed, the way I look at her and the way I communicate with her. Don't get me wrong. I love her. I love her deeply for she is after all my first. Maybe because she's stepping into adolescent phase, so that's why I as a mother am also stepping into this "severe mother phase."
I hate it when I am so angry at her, and I am scolding her and that she's giving me her "out-of-space-I-can't-hear-you" look. I am so fuming that I scolds her even more because of that. And I hate that feeling. The feeling of anger and the feeling that I belittle her even in her slightest mistakes. I am becoming a monster.
This post is just an outburst of emotion, helping me clear my mind. And letting me look back and answer the question, what happen between us. What made us apart.
When she was young, we always do things together. I remember that we don't mind singing songs as many times as we want it. Remembering her sleeping beside me most of the time, remembering that she loves sitting on my lap. Remembering that movies can make us cry. Remembering that she can make me cry.Remembering that she's the most beautiful girl in my eyes. Remembering that she didn't and can't make mistakes in my eyes. Remembering those quiet talks and walks and laughters. Remembering those silent times together. Remembering those things made me wonder what happened in between then and now?
She was my world as I was hers. Then came her brother and now her sister. But then in between there's those sad changes. I became someone else. I look at her as if I never knew her, and told her that she changed but I just realize, just right at this moment that she didn't, it was me who changed.
She's still this little girl who calls me, "Maman" and who desperately need attention. She's still that little girl who needs care and who needs someone who'll listen to her stories regarding school, friends and what happened to her day. But because of my work, because of my other kids and other things on my mind, I set her aside putting her on a corner not knowing that she still needs me. She became invisible in my eyes because of other things that are in front of me. Ignoring her most of the time and ignoring the fact that I now impose responsibilities upon her shoulder but yet she's still young, still needs a mother and looks at herself as my baby. I, on the otherhand, created an image of her that she should be this and that. And that by this time she should do this and that.
I am becoming the people in my life that I hated most. And I hate this feeling. I am becoming my own monsters.
At least now, I realize the problem. I need to come up with a solution. I believe there's nothing late in life. We can only say that all are "too late," when we give up hope of changing something in our lives.
I put her through difficult times because I can't handle my stress? Is that it? No, it's more than that. I felt that in my heart something changed, the way I look at her and the way I communicate with her. Don't get me wrong. I love her. I love her deeply for she is after all my first. Maybe because she's stepping into adolescent phase, so that's why I as a mother am also stepping into this "severe mother phase."
I hate it when I am so angry at her, and I am scolding her and that she's giving me her "out-of-space-I-can't-hear-you" look. I am so fuming that I scolds her even more because of that. And I hate that feeling. The feeling of anger and the feeling that I belittle her even in her slightest mistakes. I am becoming a monster.
This post is just an outburst of emotion, helping me clear my mind. And letting me look back and answer the question, what happen between us. What made us apart.
When she was young, we always do things together. I remember that we don't mind singing songs as many times as we want it. Remembering her sleeping beside me most of the time, remembering that she loves sitting on my lap. Remembering that movies can make us cry. Remembering that she can make me cry.Remembering that she's the most beautiful girl in my eyes. Remembering that she didn't and can't make mistakes in my eyes. Remembering those quiet talks and walks and laughters. Remembering those silent times together. Remembering those things made me wonder what happened in between then and now?
She was my world as I was hers. Then came her brother and now her sister. But then in between there's those sad changes. I became someone else. I look at her as if I never knew her, and told her that she changed but I just realize, just right at this moment that she didn't, it was me who changed.
She's still this little girl who calls me, "Maman" and who desperately need attention. She's still that little girl who needs care and who needs someone who'll listen to her stories regarding school, friends and what happened to her day. But because of my work, because of my other kids and other things on my mind, I set her aside putting her on a corner not knowing that she still needs me. She became invisible in my eyes because of other things that are in front of me. Ignoring her most of the time and ignoring the fact that I now impose responsibilities upon her shoulder but yet she's still young, still needs a mother and looks at herself as my baby. I, on the otherhand, created an image of her that she should be this and that. And that by this time she should do this and that.
I am becoming the people in my life that I hated most. And I hate this feeling. I am becoming my own monsters.
At least now, I realize the problem. I need to come up with a solution. I believe there's nothing late in life. We can only say that all are "too late," when we give up hope of changing something in our lives.
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