Worries

Just like any mother, I worry too much for my kids. For their future, on their behavior and in even in the smallest things like if they have eaten well at school or if somebody bullied them. All sorts like that. It doesn't stop.

And yet again, this time, I worry for my youngest daughter. She's 10 months. Let me first describe how she is. She's bubbly. In the morning, when she wakes up, she'll sit up and wait for you to look at her and then she'll show you her smile. That's why she earned the nickname, "our sunshine" in the family. She's very pretty when she smile, so she gained another pet name, "Bella," Italian word for beautiful. She started standing up at 8 months and crawling before that. She loves to play, you just need to place her down on the floor and she’ll find something amusing for her to do, but what she prefers most is listening to music. She's a very reflective baby at her age. When classic music starts to play, she’s in a total silent mode. Like thinking. She’s very much aware of her surroundings. Love to observe and imitate her two other siblings.  With her food, she’ll taste a little first before eating. The same with the people that she meets. She’ll test you first. Trying to make sure that you will not harm her.

So here’s the dilemma. Aside from me, there’s only one person who took care of her when I’m at work. It’s my brother. With my brother she’s the same. No changes. But since my brother cannot take care of her anymore, we need to find another, and we did. There's a lady who is an "assistant maternelle agree," since March 2010. I found her through a colleague of mine at work. She's also taking care of her niece. I told myself, it's worth a try because she's also a recommendation. So at least someone knows her and it’s very practical for me because she lives at besides the train station besides my work. So I can deposit my daughter first before going to work.

And she started yesterday. When I left my daughter there, she didn’t cry. But she was looking intently at the lady. One thing bothered me though, she lives on the first floor, but at 9 in the morning she was waiting for me and my daughter downstairs, she didn’t even let me in her house, place my daughter quietly before saying goodbye.  I asked her if she could write in her little journal anything important that happened during her stay, but the baby sitter refused and told me that there’s no need to do that. She’ll just tell me what happened during the day.

At the end of the day, my husband was the one who took her from the babysitter. The lady told him that my daughter cried all the time, which I thought is very normal because it’s a big change for her.  But she left that place with a big scratch on her face. And the baby sitter explained that she scratch herself while having a fit. A fit at 10 months?  What can she do? Throw books all over? She never did have one before.

Second day was worst. She still waited for us downstairs. Not allowing me to leave and say goodbye properly to my daughter for the second time again. This time I told her that my baby didn’t eat much for breakfast. Immediately, she answered that she can’t do anything about it because it’s “forbidden in the contract for her to give supplemental feeding.” Is she concerned at all? I didn’t ask her to give extra feeding if she doesn’t want to or if it is forbidden in the contract. I would just like to ask her to feed my child a little bit earlier for I know that she’ll be hungry earlier as expected.

And again, at the end of the day, she told my husband that my daughter cried all day long, refusing to be left on the floor, refusing her pacifier,  refusing to eat and hit a girl a year older  than her that left a mark on other girl’s arm. A 10 month that hits and leave a mark, is that possible? Is my baby that strong that she can leave a mark to a two year old girl? Do I really know my child or am I missing something here?

I don't know what to do. I need help. Either I resign from work and be a house wife again to raise my daughter just like before, or find someone else which is hard to do because other "assistant maternelle agrée" wants someone to look after 5 days a week. While my daughter only goes there 2 days a week.

My daughter right now is very anxious. She's scared to be left alone, even on her own bed. She changed and she's scared. For days and days, I can't see our "Sunshine" anymore. Imagine, I left her there just for 2 days, how much more if I leave her there for a week.

Dear God if you can hear me, please send someone whom I can trust. Whom I can leave my daughter without worries. And whom my daughter will also love and loves my daughter back. Please dear God, I lift to you all my worries. Kindly hear them, I pray. Amen.