Little blessings

I haven't updated this blog for a long, long time. Many things happened in the lives of my kids in the past couple of months, changes that we can't avoid like my youngest daughter's first birthday and my eldest daughter first period. But I'll likely tell you about it maybe later. Well, we're almost at the end of the year 2011, but before we say goodbye to this year, I just want to share the small blessings that me and my kids experienced this month of December.

Financially, I would consider this year a difficult one. Although, we we're able to have little vacations here and there, but in general, we haven't saved a lot... ok, I'll be honest with you, we haven't saved anything at all this year. So extra expenses are not really allowed, except for the money intended for our little vacation and long weekends which I clearly set aside since the start of this year. But other than that, we can't buy anything extra expensive or simply so-called extra expenses.

Just to give you an overview of the cost of living here in France and so you may also understand that we can’t have any, extra-luxury, as I call it. Let me just inform everybody that a minimum wage here in France is 1300€ minus the taxes, that would mean, 1100€ if you're lucky that they don't get any extra taxes from it. Unluckily for me, I am within that salary range. A house for a family as big as us would mean 1100€. Luckily, our place is a “rent-to-own,” so in 20 years it will be ours. No money wasted on that part. But it also means that the remains of my salary are only allotted for that and that alone. And so the other expenses would be paid by my husband's salary, (fortunately he earns more than I) which includes school, conservatoire de musique, electricity and gas for our house (yes, we use gas here too), car, gas for the car, clothing, food and miscellaneous things. And the rest which is not that much would be our savings for that month, if we are fortunate enough not to use it in emergency cases. Not forgetting the yearly tax revenue, landowner tax, habitation tax and audio-visual tax (which, the latter, doesn’t even exist in my country of origin, but here it does.)

So imagine how can we spend even a little for something extra? Hey, I’m not complaining here, just wanting to show you of our situation why we appreciate little surprises such as what I will tell you today.

My kids want to watch "Disney on Ice," which this year I couldn't grant because that will be a part of the extra expenses that I'm talking about. Even if I'm working at the same society, which is Disneyland Paris, it will be difficult for me get tickets for us 5 or even 4, for that would mean a total of almost 200€, if we really want to see it up close and personal. Yes, you can get tickets for less than 150€ for 4 persons but it would mean that you need to bring your telescope. There’s the premier category and the second category.

And so it happens that at work, there’s this contest for free 4 tickets for “Disney on Ice.” All you need to do is to log in on our intra-net and answer a question. The question is about who are the newest characters that will be joining this year’s holiday on ice. And since, I always read our “Backstage” magazine; of course I knew the answer. So I joined that contest.

And there’s another contest which the price would be “Duffy the bear,” which I also joined in.

But let me just tell you that for all 3 and a half years that I work at Disney, I always join small contest like that but unfortunately, I don’t win anything. A friend of mine always asked me why I join such lousy contest and tells me that it’s just a waste of time. Well, I always answer her, maybe I’ll get lucky.

After few days I checked the intra-net to see if I won in the “Duffy the bear” contest and as expected, I didn’t win except the “I told you so” from my friend.

But on a Monday afternoon, the 5^th of December, I received a call from my colleague at work telling me to call the “Internal Communication,” because apparently I won the tickets to “Disney on Ice.” Although it was in the middle of the premier category, but that’s Ok at least we won’t still be needing our telescope. Was so excited that I rang my husband immediately to tell him about the good news. My kids were the happiest as I told them the news after school.

It might be shallow for all of you whose reading this but this small surprise or blessing as I call it put a smile into my kid’s heart and I know that they will cherish the experience.

Here’s some photos and video just to share our moments with you. Sorry for the video excerpt because I'm not really allowed to put it on site, I'll loose my job if I put all of it.

By the way, during our “Arbre de Noël,” (A Christmas celebration for the employees of Disneyland Paris) my daughter also won the “Duffy the bear.” So basically, it’s just like winning in the two contests that I joined in. Told you, sometimes, it’s also nice to try things, maybe one day you’ll get lucky.

Worries

Just like any mother, I worry too much for my kids. For their future, on their behavior and in even in the smallest things like if they have eaten well at school or if somebody bullied them. All sorts like that. It doesn't stop.

And yet again, this time, I worry for my youngest daughter. She's 10 months. Let me first describe how she is. She's bubbly. In the morning, when she wakes up, she'll sit up and wait for you to look at her and then she'll show you her smile. That's why she earned the nickname, "our sunshine" in the family. She's very pretty when she smile, so she gained another pet name, "Bella," Italian word for beautiful. She started standing up at 8 months and crawling before that. She loves to play, you just need to place her down on the floor and she’ll find something amusing for her to do, but what she prefers most is listening to music. She's a very reflective baby at her age. When classic music starts to play, she’s in a total silent mode. Like thinking. She’s very much aware of her surroundings. Love to observe and imitate her two other siblings.  With her food, she’ll taste a little first before eating. The same with the people that she meets. She’ll test you first. Trying to make sure that you will not harm her.

So here’s the dilemma. Aside from me, there’s only one person who took care of her when I’m at work. It’s my brother. With my brother she’s the same. No changes. But since my brother cannot take care of her anymore, we need to find another, and we did. There's a lady who is an "assistant maternelle agree," since March 2010. I found her through a colleague of mine at work. She's also taking care of her niece. I told myself, it's worth a try because she's also a recommendation. So at least someone knows her and it’s very practical for me because she lives at besides the train station besides my work. So I can deposit my daughter first before going to work.

And she started yesterday. When I left my daughter there, she didn’t cry. But she was looking intently at the lady. One thing bothered me though, she lives on the first floor, but at 9 in the morning she was waiting for me and my daughter downstairs, she didn’t even let me in her house, place my daughter quietly before saying goodbye.  I asked her if she could write in her little journal anything important that happened during her stay, but the baby sitter refused and told me that there’s no need to do that. She’ll just tell me what happened during the day.

At the end of the day, my husband was the one who took her from the babysitter. The lady told him that my daughter cried all the time, which I thought is very normal because it’s a big change for her.  But she left that place with a big scratch on her face. And the baby sitter explained that she scratch herself while having a fit. A fit at 10 months?  What can she do? Throw books all over? She never did have one before.

Second day was worst. She still waited for us downstairs. Not allowing me to leave and say goodbye properly to my daughter for the second time again. This time I told her that my baby didn’t eat much for breakfast. Immediately, she answered that she can’t do anything about it because it’s “forbidden in the contract for her to give supplemental feeding.” Is she concerned at all? I didn’t ask her to give extra feeding if she doesn’t want to or if it is forbidden in the contract. I would just like to ask her to feed my child a little bit earlier for I know that she’ll be hungry earlier as expected.

And again, at the end of the day, she told my husband that my daughter cried all day long, refusing to be left on the floor, refusing her pacifier,  refusing to eat and hit a girl a year older  than her that left a mark on other girl’s arm. A 10 month that hits and leave a mark, is that possible? Is my baby that strong that she can leave a mark to a two year old girl? Do I really know my child or am I missing something here?

I don't know what to do. I need help. Either I resign from work and be a house wife again to raise my daughter just like before, or find someone else which is hard to do because other "assistant maternelle agrée" wants someone to look after 5 days a week. While my daughter only goes there 2 days a week.

My daughter right now is very anxious. She's scared to be left alone, even on her own bed. She changed and she's scared. For days and days, I can't see our "Sunshine" anymore. Imagine, I left her there just for 2 days, how much more if I leave her there for a week.

Dear God if you can hear me, please send someone whom I can trust. Whom I can leave my daughter without worries. And whom my daughter will also love and loves my daughter back. Please dear God, I lift to you all my worries. Kindly hear them, I pray. Amen.

Vance's Story

These are anecdotes about my son. Amusing stories that when I think about it, I can't help but laugh even when I'm alone. Words that just come out of his mouth like jack in a box. It surprises me everytime. I hope you can appreciate it as much as I do.

• We were swimming at one of the beach in Languedoc-Roussillon. I was with my 10 month old daughter and my 4 years old son while my 10 years old daughter is having a good time meeting new friends. But since she’s very polite, she came closer to us bringing her new found friend and introduces her to me. So here’s the conversation that follows:

My 10 years old daughter: Mom, this is Laura.

Me: Hi, Laura. How are you?

Laura: I’m fine. Thank you.

Me: Where are you from?

Laura: I’m from here.

My 4 years old son: What? From here?

Are you a mermaid?

• While having dinner my eldest daughter excused herself to go to the washroom. And when she came back she looked bothered. So I asked her what happened.

My daughter: Mom, after dinner can I talk to you.
Me: Why? Is there something wrong? You can say it now.
My daughter: Well, you see, I saw some hair starting to grow in different part of my body
My husband and I: It's normal.
My son: Eh oui, c'est normal parce que t'es un monsieur! (Translation: Well yes, it normal because you're a man!)

• My son was examining his face in front of a mirror. After some time, he came and asked me a question.

My son: Mom, is this a moustache? (Talking about the almost invisible hair of his upper lip)
Me: Hmmm, I think so.
My son: Yippee! Je suis un père! (Translation: Yippee! I am a father!)

• Today, my son was invited to attend a birthday party. It's the birthday of the girl who had a crush on him since they were in the "petite section."

Her name is Farah. I told you a story about her, i think, less than a year ago. Her mother insisted that it would be pleasure if my son can come to her birthday because as she says, Farah thinks that my son is his "boyfriend." But I don't think that it's the same way for my son.

But anyway, last tuesday, I asked my son if he wanted to go to her birthday party. He told me "yes," because his friends Louie and Jeremy are there and not to mention, his best friend Alexi. They are a gang of Asia-tiques. Inseperable. So this afternoon, he went there. As expected most of his time was spent with his gang. But since its' Farah's birthday, Farah as frank as she is asked for a kiss from my son.

My son said, "Mon bisou est que reserver pour ma maman!" Translation: My kiss is only reserved for my mom!

Sweet on my side, but how about the other side?

And here's another thing that he's complaining about. "Je deteste quand ils m'appellent beau-fils. Je suis beau mais je suis pas leur fils." Translation: "I hate it when they call me beau-fils (son-in-law), I am beau (handsome) but I am not their fils (son). 

My kids on my 36th birthday

This blog (http://onlifeandlivingit.blogspot.com) speaks about my kids, their experiences and the process that they go through their daily lives and my other blog: http://thebutterflies.blogdrive.com, speaks about me and my experiences. But since this topic is related to my birthday, I was having doubts if I'll write this here or on my other blog.
Anyway, I choose to write it here, promising myself that they'll be the focus of all the things I write in here.

Last Wednesday, the 20th of July, I celebrated my 36th birthday. But since my husband is working, I decided not to celebrate it this year together with friends and loved ones. For the primary reason that I cannot cook. If I'll be inviting friends over or even relatives, I would be buying foods that can be cooked in the microwave and heated 20 or 30 minutes and they'll be done. But I know that they won't like it. So, I told myself that, I'll celebrate it quietly with my kids.

And since it's my day off, I planned to sleep a little bit more in the morning for I really don't have a plan on my head. Yet at midnight, my husband woke me up to greet me a "happy birthday" and showed me a video of our kids with him, singing "happy birthday," in their own notes, versions and accent. I was really touched. I kept repeating the video over and over before going back to sleep again. HERE is that video. And another video of one of my favorite, "the birthday song by Don Mclean," although he didn't actually sung it himself. He just got one of the videos from youtube and posted it in my facebook. If you're curious about that song, well, here it is.

In the morning, after my husband went to work, he just kissed me goodbye and let me dozed of again. But unfortunately for me, our 8 months old daughter is already awake but my eldest daughter volunteered to take care of her. She’s only 10, but she wants to prove to me that she’s responsible enough. So I let her.

My son, a 4 years old and certified early riser, who usually wakes me up in the morning (even if it’s too early for me) didn’t even barge in and woke me up like he usually does.

But at around 9 am, he came running, gave me a kiss and told me that it is time for me to wake up. I thought that my eldest got tired of taking care of our little angel. So I stood up immediately and went to the saloon. And here I got the biggest surprise of my life and on my birthday itself. My kids prepared breakfast for me. My daughter cooked fried egg and put lots of pepper to make it into a happy-face-sunny-side-up-egg. And it was she who organized the table, place on their gifts on the side of the plate and my son prepared the juice. Nothing much maybe, simply fried egg and juice for someone else’s eyes but for me it’s a work of magic. Like haute gourmet from a first class restaurant. All of their effort made my quiet celebration into the most memorable one. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

 (Fried egg that looks like smiling together with greetings and gifts beside it)

(Behind the greetings are the words "reserved for Mama," although the spelling is wrong, it doesn't matter)

(Here's what's inside those gift wrappers. A paper bag and a face made out clay, all made by their hands)

 (Letters made by my daughter and my son, I can't upload upright so I let it be that way until I find a solution)

(Dancing the waltz together that made me say, "wow! I'm the luckiest Mom in the world!)

The monster in me

I don't know what changed in me. As a mother I mean. Maybe it's because of having three kids. Or the pressure of having them while working. I know that I love my kids equally, but I felt guilty for my eldest daughter because I know that this time, the love I gave her is not clearly shown in my ways.

I put her through difficult times because I can't handle my stress? Is that it? No, it's more than that. I felt that in my heart something changed, the way I look at her and the way I communicate with her. Don't get me wrong. I love her. I love her deeply for she is after all my first. Maybe because she's stepping into adolescent phase, so that's why I as a mother am also stepping into this "severe mother phase."

I hate it when I am so angry at her, and I am scolding her and that she's giving me her "out-of-space-I-can't-hear-you" look. I am so fuming that I scolds her even more because of that. And I hate that feeling. The feeling of anger and the feeling that I belittle her even in her slightest mistakes. I am becoming a monster.

This post is just an outburst of emotion, helping me clear my mind. And letting me look back and answer the question, what happen between us. What made us apart.

When she was young, we always do things together. I remember that we don't mind singing songs as many times as we want it. Remembering her sleeping beside me most of the time, remembering that she loves sitting on my lap. Remembering that movies can make us cry. Remembering that she can make me cry.Remembering that she's the most beautiful girl in my eyes. Remembering that she didn't and can't make mistakes in my eyes. Remembering those quiet talks and walks and laughters. Remembering those silent times together.  Remembering those things made me wonder what happened in between then and now?

She was my world as I was hers. Then came her brother and now her sister. But then in between there's those sad changes. I became someone else. I look at her as if I never knew her, and told her that she changed but I just realize, just right at this moment that she didn't, it was me who changed.

She's still this little girl who calls me, "Maman" and who desperately need attention. She's still that little girl who needs care and who needs someone who'll listen to her stories regarding school, friends and what happened to her day. But because of my work, because of my other kids and other things on my mind, I set her aside putting her on a corner not knowing that she still needs me. She became invisible in my eyes because of other things that are in front of me. Ignoring her most of the time and ignoring the fact that I now impose responsibilities upon her shoulder but yet she's still young, still needs a mother and looks at herself as my baby. I, on the otherhand, created an image of her that she should be this and that. And that by this time she should do this and that.

I am becoming the people in my life that I hated most. And I hate this feeling. I am becoming my own monsters.

At least now, I realize the problem. I need to come up with a solution. I believe there's nothing late in life. We can only say that all are "too late," when we give up hope of changing something in our lives.

First time

We love long walks, sight seeing, to take pictures, to travel and most of all joy ride on a week end where we can't seem to figure out where or what to do. So this time, we went to a small town in Giverny, France. A hour and a half hour ride to where a famous painter Oscar-Claude Monet, famously known as Claude Monet lived since April 1883 (if I'm not mistaken).

And there, aside from satisfying our eyes and hearts will all the beauty that we see, my kids also tasted their first shot at photography.

So here are some works of my 4 years old son. Never edited except that I put a logo on each picture to potect them as their copy right.

And here are the works of my soon to be 10 years old daughter. Also not edited except for her own chosen colorful logo.

So proud of them. So enjoy viewing all these but please you can look all you want but please don't copy what you want, for they are my children's work. It's like stealing candies from kids you know. Happy viewing.

Another poésie

This morning, I saw my daughter writing this in a piece of paper. I asked her where she got it from and she told me that some parts were originally hers and the other parts were inspired by the cartoons "the smurfs." So I can't really claim that this is all hers but I love it just the same.

Lune, lune pour chaqu'un, pour chaqu'une
Eveil nos coeur à la soirée de la plaine lune

Venniciah Gy Julia S. Pambid, le 18 avril 2011

What do want to be when you grow up

When we we're young, we're always asked this same old question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

As kids, we were influenced by the people around us to choose a right answer to that question as if it will predict our outcome in life. So kids tend to choose the idea of what people around them want them to be and not really what they want to be.

During my time, the answers are often, “I want to be a doctor, a nurse or an engineer.” For those are the times that Philippine economy are dependent on citizens going abroad, sending these type of professionals to help out elevate the value of Philippine currency and  alleviate even a little bit of poverty.

But what was the impact of this question to the kids themselves?

As experienced told me, kids were forced to lived up to that idea of what their parents want them to be or their grandparents or their siblings or anybody who are significantly present in their life. And as they grew up, it is too late for them to realize that, that dream is not really theirs but someone else's.

It is really sad to see this happening again and again. When will individuals especially parents realize that their kids are not the extension of themselves? When will they realize that kids too, have a life of their own? An opinion of their own. And a dream of their own.

I admire people who went to the same situation as this yet they were able to fulfill what they really want in the end. I admire people who stood and fight for their dreams. And I admire them who choose to follow their own path instead of listening to the sound of dictations in their life.

As these are based on my own experiences, I promised myself not to put my kids through the same circumstances. I will never insist nor influence them in following what I want for them. Nor will I answer for them the question "what they want to be when they grow up?" I’ll just go with the flow, I'll let them discover that on their own. I'll just be beside them if they needed me. And when that time comes, I will just accept and love them still for what they have become for their happiness is my own.

Even superhero falls

Yesterday morning before going to school and while waiting for his sister to finish brushing her teeth, my 3 years old son decided to play superhero.

He found a checkered red and white table clothe and asked me to place it behind his back so as to serve as his cape. He thinks that all superhero will not be a superhero without one. As soon as we're about to leave my son sensed that I will have to take his "cape" off, he begged if he could just wear it until we reach school and then he'll give back to me. I agreed.

As I've said and written many times before, my son at his age is very independent and very organized. He eats by himself, brushes his teeth, keep his own room, arranged his jacket and shoes and dress up by himself. And that makes my life as a mom a little bit easier. (Although sometimes, I want to be of help to him just to assure myself that I am still his mother.) But he just loves doing things by "himself." And in this case, since we live on the second floor and our building is only four story building with no-need-of-an-elevator, he wants to go down the stairs by himself of course. For the nth time, I took time to tell him to hold on to the side rails while going down for I am holding my 4 moths old daughter.

Unluckily, he tripped and fell. Good thing nothing serious happened to him. I took him, checked him out and asked if he is O.K. As usual, my independent son said he's fine.

I asked him what happened and he just replied, "J'ai descendu un petit peu vite." (I walked or went down a little bit fast." And that he forgot to hold on to the side rails.

I know my son just like any mom knew their own. I know that more than the physical pain, the emotional pain are there but he wouldn't admit it just like any little accidents that he had. Maybe because he's a boy, maybe because he don't want to worry me too much or maybe because he's just that way. But I am also this way; I worry too much for all of my kids.

I hugged and kissed him as what I usually do to make the pain go away. Good thing all kids know that mother's kisses have something magical in them. And one mommy's kiss will make it all better. But what pained me in this situation is after I kissed and hugged him and asked him for the last time if he feels any pain, is that he took of his "checkered red and white cape" and told me, "Mom, I'm not a superhero anymore."

My heart begins to tear apart. How can you explain to a 3 year old boy that even superheroes fall sometimes? Even mightiest of all men experienced defeat. Even angels break their wings and fall. But what made them different is how they stood up after their fall, mend themselves and continue their journey.

How can you explain to him that falling is not a sign of weakness? And that falling is not shameful. And that even with these painful experiences we can gain much. For these things happen for a reason. And that reason is to help us be stronger to face what lies ahead of us. And allowing ourselves to be defeated means only one thing, we allow ourselves to be empowered by the learning we obtain from our fall or defeat or mistakes or whatever you call them.

But how can I explain all these to my son? I can't. Not yet. I hope when he grows up, he'll read this. I hope that he'll learn one or two from this article. For I know one day he'll be a great man and I know one day he'll experience fall and defeat. But I know one day he'll also learn "to cry a little bit, stop, stand up, brush himself off and continue." But for now, all I can do is assure him, hug and kiss him again and say, " You'll always be a superhero to me even how many times you fall."

http://www.yuoutube.com/watch?v=9u4IGVmc3og

Here she is

Since last year, I haven't updated this site for only one reason... lack of time. Nope, it's either lack of time or mishandling of time management. Well, let me wish you first a "belated happy new year!" As they say, better late than... later ; ).

Many things have changed and happened to me and my family. My parents left for United States of America to fullfil their "american dream." So we're left here in Paris. My husband had an accident and was on sick leave for three months. We went to Antibes for our summer vacation.It's the first time that we went to vacation together with some friends. Normally we just go as a family. Some changes huh! My two kids have grown up and now there's a little addition to the two. And so the two are now three.

She was born on a halloween day last year. Her name is Vanille Ly Julianna Pambid. She weighs 2 kilos and 140 grams. So small that she's only 43 cm. It's also the first time for my husband to go inside the labor room and assist in my delivery. And that brought big changes into his perception of child birth. Also for the first time, I had a normal and natural birth. No anesthesia this time. Oh, can't imagine the pain but all are worth it. So together with my two kids, we happily presents her to the entire world. Here she is...